Are you familiar with "忍(ren)" ?
u probably know "Ninja," which directly translates into "忍(ren)者 (zhe)" in Chinese. In a plain & simple way, it means: "someone who can cope." If that's the case, I feel like I am an "忍(ren)者 (zhe)."
“Are you always just, like… on?”
A photographer I worked with asked me this question from behind his lens. My mind stopped for a tiny second, and I said: “yea !”
“Contagious,” he said. We spent 6 hours writing a song, and I am more than happy to accept this adjective that he used to describe my energy. I hope it was a good sign. I usually feel drained after my sessions but I actually felt ok that day, so I walked around Hongdae, Seoul, for 5 minutes and left before I got lost in the icy wind.
Here is a metaphor if you wanna know more about my approach: hypothetically, if there are 10 make up and fashion items in front of me, I am probably going to try and use them all.
“Being on my max” has always been my way of living and working. Recently I’ve been thinking about pulling back, or, trying to be more controlled and planned. It would be sad if I spent all this time and energy to live and create only to become a person who lives underneath a skin I am not comfortable in.
Behind my loud voice, I am trying. Behind my body movements, I am trying. Who am I? Did I lose myself? In the end, I just don’t want to hate everything.
I can’t stand still, even though sitting in one place when there is no clear direction is the best way to find a direction— at least that’s what they say.
I’ve been traveling so much because I need to not live my robotic life. My coping mechanisms include exercise, and I won’t stop exercising even if I break my back stage diving. I won’t stop even if I sprain my ankle. My body truly hurts, but my anxiety and fear take over if I don’t make any moves.
Songs that I made didn’t excite me. Everything felt wrong when I didn’t know what I wanted. I was lost and I was pretending to be a boss.
In the midst of the hyper visual and sensational stimulation of Tokyo, and somewhere that I wasn’t sure in Seoul, I was so afraid of myself. Because I know I’d hate myself so much if I start to feel lonely and sad again. I literally hate feeling like I’m dead on the inside, even though for a period of my life I was comfortable living in the dark.
I feel like I try so hard just to not hate this life.
Glamorizing what I do when things are not easy is kind of… silly when I look back. Social media became the best medium to foster this belief. I enjoy being humbled. I am writing to you from my childhood home. My whole family still lives here. This is a place where nothing is perfect and we just cope. For example, our light switch panel is gone, so all the electrical wires are exposed.
Glass on the door shattered years ago and it never got replaced.
Our drain has no water stopper. I don’t even know when and how it broke, but regardless it’s been broken. The entire house is cold like a fridge. We all wear so many layers inside, so bundled up we can’t get a break to liberate our skin. My mom literally used two paper clips on my pajama pants because the elastic became loose after all these years
Last month I finished my tour and I finally start to force myself to sit down and face my concepts and demos. To make my process harder or to stop fooling myself — what is the dopest next thing? I want to make that.
*ps!! right before this post went out Anthony Fantano named my 2nd debut EP No.1 out of 15 “Best EPs of 2023” !!! (the part where he talks about my EP starts from 9:00)
!!! Stream my 2nd debut EP!
Edited by: Hannah Hightman